well guys you all know that i have a smoking problem, and i finally went and bought some cigarettes to help with my cravings which are bugging the hell out of me, and i've smoked four today alone already and it isn't even 11:30 yet.  so i know that i'm addicted, but lately i've been coming to my senses about my depression, and my logical side is finally beginning to reboot, and i'm starting to feel like my old self.  one of the reasons is that i've been trying to make positive changes in my life and not let stuff destroy me.

well one of the things i've done is i've vented a lot of my negative emotions in a fiction that i've been writing in a little each day.  my character has severe depression, and i've put a lot of my personality traits into the character so in a way reading about myself has opened my eyes a little bit so i've decided to stop smoking.

since the only reason i started was because of being depressed, i'm going to make a turn in the right direction to make more of a recovery.  i still think that i'll eventually need to take certain drugs to help with my serotonin (not sure is that is spell correctly) levels, and several other crazy named chemicals in my brain so that i will feel 100%, but until then i'm going to do what i can to help my situation in the long run.

now i'm not asking to be in your all prayers, but if you would continue to be supportive to me as you all have been in the past i would appreciate it, but in the next few weeks i'll be erratic and irritable because i know that i'll have withdrawls from the absense of niccotine in my system for the next few weeks so if you will just bear with me, and any of my remarks that could be considered rude or offensive like along the lines of insulting someone directly.  it won't really be me talking.

i have to say that my mom is one person who has been very patient with me, and i'm going to go and see her either today or tomorrow, and i'm going to giver her my cigarettes so she can dispose of them for me because i know that i'm far too weak to just throw them in the trash at home because i know that i would be in the trash a few hours later to retrieve them and have a smoke.

i'm also going to get my health together so i hope to start.  i've already lost some weight, but i'm going to get all off now.  the truth is i'm tired of feeling like crap physically, emotionally, and spiritually so i'm going to treat my problems instead of letting them fester.

maybe after i finish my fic i'll post it here so you all can get a glimpse of how bad i have been mentally through my character.  i've decided not to become a worse case senario like my character is.  i want to be like i used to be to some extent, and actually laugh and smile without them just being masks so that others won't know what's really going on behind the mask

well i'll quit sounding sappy for now, and check out those toons that mitch wants me to look at in the random secition

kannibalkaney