Forum issues...

Jena Runner · Do you enjoy this?

Forum issues...

Mitch · Moderator

Seconded. Don't die on us, you crazy cannibal, you.

Murasume · Administrator

Yeah, we're all prayin for you Kaney, you'll be ok. It'll get better, just give it time and prayer. Just remember the prayers may not get answered on your time, but in God's time. But the bible says, ask and you shall recieve.

Mitch · Moderator

But remember not to just pray about things like this and not do anything about it. The Bible also says "Faith without works is dead." We can't just pray about something and leave it all up to God. It doesn't work that way. What we should do is pray about it, and at the same time, try to do whatever we can to help out Kaney, or whatever it is we're praying for.

Jena Runner · Do you enjoy this?

i agree whole heartedly with that statement so Kaney plz do not give up on life or urself the forum wouldnt be the same without u.

Murasume · Administrator

Mitch wrote:

But remember not to just pray about things like this and not do anything about it. The Bible also says "Faith without works is dead." We can't just pray about something and leave it all up to God. It doesn't work that way. What we should do is pray about it, and at the same time, try to do whatever we can to help out Kaney, or whatever it is we're praying for.

I kind of assumed that.

kannibalkaney · Date: Oct 26, 2005

yeah moms been pretty worried about me lately, and she knows that i've been depressed mainly because i'm far more open with her about myself than anyone else, but dad doesn't even have a clue. plus, dad sees depression as being a puss so i really dread it whenever i decide to try and reason with him, but i'll have mom there with me. i've been making some changes in myself over the last few days. i've started obeying traffic laws and quit trying to see if i can get into a fatal crash, i've deleted all of my suicide notes off my computer's hard drive, i've tried to look at the world in a better way, and i've tried smiling again (that was the hardest thing to do), and i'm not talking about a fake forced one, but a genuine smile. i'm trying to take diov's advice he gave me in the random section to heart, and i've even began to eat right again, up till now i'd been starving myself a little too much, saturday i almost went into glucose shock because i hadn't eaten for like 18 hours. so i'm trying real hard in the mean time to get some sense of normalcy back into my life. however, it will be a long road ahead, and i'll still have my lows, but i'm going to strive and not let it get to the levels it has gotten to in recent months, but even with these corrections made it'll be a while before all of my suicidal tendencies go away, but i don't think about ending it nearly as much as i did. i'm trying real hard not to hate myself and realize that i'm really not alone, but sometimes its real hard, but thats what you guys are for well i'll get off my soap box by saying thanks for being there.

kannibalkaney

heres an update on me, i've actually began to sleep better which is something that i haven't been able to do in quite sometime without the aid of an alcoholic beverage or nyquil (can't spell). my dreams the last few nights haven't been as dark as they have been, actually they've been about school (i don't know if that is an improvement) and some other stuff that i can't really remember real well, but the last two nights my dreams haven't ended in me either being killed or me killing myself which i'm glad to say is kinda nice. i've noticed that some of my music choices this last week have been somewhat lighter. i've been listening to some david bowie, peter gabriel, seal, and this one song from the spencer davis group. i've also been listening to some ff music and some other soundtracks that i own. normally i've been listening to some things that are really dark and gloomy, but i've begun to listen to some stuff i quit listening to when i began to succumb to my depression. i've been listening to the ff music to mainly inspire me with my story and i've cooked up some cool scenes and some of the scenes i already had i used the music to help me retool the feeling i want the reader to have while in that particular place. i also actually laughed yesterday, and i mean a real laugh not some fake one that i do to make things seem like they're ok, i had forgotten how that felt and it was nice to finally feel that again after so long.

kannibalkaney

-- Edited by kannibalkaney at 12:32, 2005-10-28

Aerith Gainsborough · Adoring Fan

I'm certainly glad that you are trying to make a turn around Kaney. I hope that you pull out of this one because I know people who have lost loved ones to suicide and it really hurts them. I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers as well, just remember that you can talk to me and if you can't reach me you can email me at ladyaerith1997@yahoo.com if you ever need to talk to me, or get something off your chest.

Johar Horn · Noob 4 Life

Ill be praying for you, kaney. you know you should really put your faith in Him! it works, and right now i am living on gods time because i could have died in a car wreck i had a few months ago... im just glad im still alive.

-- Edited by Johar Horn at 12:37, 2005-10-29

kannibalkaney · Date: Oct 29, 2005

i know johar, i should put my faith in god, but its really hard to sometimes. i've doubted his existence for a long time and putting my faith in something that i have a hard time believing in is real hard sometimes. i believe in god, but you get what i'm saying. i'm to scientific, sometimes its hard to determine what is correct god or science.

kannibalkaney

Johar Horn · Noob 4 Life

ive had proof that he exsists, i just dont know how to explain it.

kannibalkaney · Date: Oct 29, 2005

well i finally found my definative proof a little while back like a year ago or so. i could literally take anything the bible says and call random bs, but i found something in a biology text book called dna, and after studying how it incodes and works...lets just say that thats where i found god. then all the sudden the bs in the bible didn't really seem like bs anymore.

Johar Horn · Noob 4 Life

when i was younger, the bible didnt make sence at all, then i got saved, and everything made sence.

kannibalkaney · Date: Oct 29, 2005

i had been non religious for so long though that sometimes its easy to slip back into my old ways. i really think for a while i just hated god and everything he stood for, but thats in the past though and doesn't really have any bearing on the here and now.

kannibalkaney

Johar Horn · Noob 4 Life

if i call christianity a religion i start to feel bad, but thats just me. i perfer to call it a friendship with God.

kannibalkaney · Date: Oct 29, 2005

i guess your right johar i don't really see it as religion myself as more like universal truth.

kannibalkaney

Jena Runner · Do you enjoy this?

ok its been awhile since we've heard anything so im just going to flat out ask...is your depression better?

kannibalkaney · Date: Apr 9, 2006

well to be perfectly honest not really, i've been deluding myself for a long time, and if anything i've been in denial. i've thought that i can handle it on my own, that i can make it on my own, that i'm stronger than this, that hey it's nothing more than mind over matter, and that if i act fine that no one will know, but who am i kidding?

i get up every morning and i think "why do i bother?" or "yet another day of bullsh**"

i know why i'm not doing good in calc, and it's because of my outlook on things. i don't care about much of anything, i don't see myself as worthy of anything good. i don't think rationally, i don't like human contact, and i try to distance myself as much as i can. i feel that the whole world is out to get me and i want to just crawl up somewhere so that i can hide from everything. i want to shut myself away from all human contact and never be heard from again so that i can live isolated. i spend all of my little free time either playing video games, watching tv/movies/anime, or reading fan fictions so that just for a little while i'm not myself, and i'm either the main character in a video game, anime, tv show, and/or fan fic. that's why i idolize so many fictional characters, it's an escape for me. sometimes i try to imagine myself as being those characters and living a life that's not my own and longing to be someone, anyone else other than me. i hate myself more than i hate anyone else in the world. every smile, every laugh, and other positive emotion is forced, i do it to make others think that i'm fine and alright, but the plain truth is i'm not. sometimes i feel that why don't i just end it all, but everytime i do i somehow talk myself out of it. i'm a coward, weak and pathetic. i feel that i don't deserve anything, and that i'm not even worth the time of day. i feel that i want to just burst into tears and cry but i don't because i'm too proud to, i have to keep up my guard so that i don't appear weak because if i do then everyone will exploit it.

i'm afraid, i'm always afraid. i'm like a child who is lost and doesn't know where to go. even though i quit smoking i started because it was a way of relaxing myself. i know that i need help, but i'm too arrogant to get help, and i know that all of my problems would go away if i sought out the help i need and got on some medication to level me out, and someone to talk to so i can sort out my personal demons, but i'm just so afraid to do it. i don't know why, but i am. at the same time i'm very lonely, i crave human contact of any form. i dream about finding someone who can be strong for me take me for who i am, but i don't forsee it happening. my emotions all contradict themselves, and i don't understand why my mind is so flip floppy. one moment i have an opinion about something and the next i have a completely different thought.

i feel so inadequate too, and i don't know why. many other people say that i have it made, but if i have it so good in life then why am i so depressed? i feel so stupid all the time. i used to feel that i knew everything, but i really know nothing.

however, i do think that my rational side has come back somewhat because i want help. i'm thinking about after school lets out at the end of this month that i may see about going to a doctor, but i don't know if i want to or not. i so badly want to feel happiness again, but i'm afraid of not feeling depressed. the word happy is such an alien word for me. i long for it, but i haven't felt it in so long that i don't know what it feels like.

i want to go to church and maybe find god, but i'm too afraid to. i sometimes want to get up on sunday mornings and drive to a church somewhere and maybe look into it, but i'm to afraid that i won't be accepted by god, or the other people there so i don't go.

i really don't know what i want, and what i should do anymore, but i'm tired of putting on my little show and pretending to be someone else. the person you know as kk on the forum isn't really me, but i don't want to be me because 'he' scares me. 'he' isn't nothing more than the broken shell of a person who should be thrown into the trash. the person i want to be doesn't even exist. i really don't know what to do.

kannibalkaney

Jena Runner · Do you enjoy this?

well all i can say i know exactly what you mean, pretty much word for word i went thru the same thing. just know that God accepts you no matter what and as for other people go, all i can say is shame those who give a cold sholder to those who go into a church looking for help, god whatever it may be.

my best advice is to seriously think about going to get help (i would tell you out right to get help but if someone forces you to go its not going to do any good thats why im saying to seriously think about it). Also keep doing what your doing to distract yourself, getting away from the problems can really help sometimes. Also know that a lot of people, me included, are praying for you and want you to get better.

Mitch · Moderator

Those are powerful words, Kaney. I didn't know that you're struggling with your identity. Perhaps if we got to know the real you, you'd feel better. Believe me, I assure you that we would accept you for whoever you are, like we always have.

But don't feel pressured to, though. I just think it would be a good release for you.

kannibalkaney · Date: Apr 11, 2006

so you know what it's like to get up every morning of of everyday of the week and just think "why do i bother?" i'm really tired of it; plus it's showing on me more and more even though i try to hide it. my face is beginning to show the excessive signs of of depression. my stance is different now, i'm no where nearly as outspoken as i used to be. i go from fine to a total bitch in no time flat.

i should really get up on a sunday morning and go to a church somewhere, but like i said earlier i have so many insecurities and personal demons to deal with. i pretend to be other people in my mind so that i'm not myself. even though i've never had any training i'm a good actor because i do it everyday with everyone. i've divided myself into two. i'm the nice guy who everyone likes and does stuff for people to make them happy even while sacrificing his own. and 'he' is the evil one who comes out when the world is too much for me. i don't get to post much because 'he' is the dominant form of me who gets humor out of stuff that just isn't right, and is just sick on so many levels. 'he' is the one that everyone knows, and i hate 'him'. he's my enemy. the only time i come out is during some moments when i'm all alone. i wish that i could get rid of 'him'

i'm thinking of going to get help after the semester ends. i'm going to bring mom with me because i'm more open with her than any other family members, but she doesn't know about everything. she doesn't know of my suicidal tendencies at times and she doesn't know about my tricks to keep the world from crushing me by throwing out 'him' into the world while i go back into the dark.

Jena Runner · Do you enjoy this?

well lets put it this way i know from experience, i used to have those feelings but i got some counseling and also new things came into my life that helped me thru my depression. occasionally i will have a relaps but it doesnt last long at all only a very short time now a days; all i do is try and think about all the good things in my life and the things that brought me out of my orrigional depression in the first place.

kannibalkaney · Date: Apr 11, 2006

i guess one of my largest fears is that i may have multiple personality disorder, and i know that if that is ever confirmed then i'll be locked up. this is why i try to hide the fact from so many people

kannibalkaney

Mitch · Moderator

So what you're saying is that the Kaney we know is "him"?

"Him" being the evil Kaney?

kannibalkaney · Date: Apr 11, 2006

most of the time yes because 'he' is the one who has such a twisted view of the world. i'm really not like that, in fact most of the time i really don't want to see bad stuff, but he makes me see bad stuff like extreme violence and porn. i find stuff like that repulsive, but 'he' likes it.

kannibalkaney

Mitch · Moderator

Hmmmm....well, we do see "him" a lot, then.

Next time we get together, I'll bring my holy water and we can see about getting "him" out. On that note, my sore throat is gone, but I've developed a cough.

kannibalkaney · Date: Apr 11, 2006

i don't think that holy water will work, but i'll try it.

well that's good that your throat is better, but the cough i'm not sure because it's been so long since i had strep, but hey.

are you off friday?

kannibalkaney